Sunday, December 27, 2009

sugar sugar sugar

i cannot understand how people shift opinions and judgments without actually changing anything or unveiling anything new or remembering anything or even knowing anything in a day to day way, even at all. i suppose since i was small (since those little friends who wore the same spandex shorts with ripped up jeans and slap bracelets as i did or were in the same girl scout troop or went to the same swimming camp or, you know, just into the same things and doing the same things) and i had little friends that i got along well with and trusted, it seems like an intricate part of friendship is that i am suppose to dislike the things and the people that my friends dislike just because, you know, they do.

for the most part, this has become one of those great impossibilities in my life. people dislike people for a million (mostly ridiculous, mostly absurd) reasons. and i think its all face. its all interchange and connection. its all impossible and totally stupid and mostly occurs because people get bored. girls like to be watched, men like to strut, really, its all the same fucking thing. and its so ridiculous that i cant even connect. i find it difficult to be open with most anyone. and some people i think i could know, some men i think i could love, start making these demands of interest, of ways of being, of likes, of surrounding, of it all. and i feel like ive been thrown down the rabbit hole and then things really begin to get absurd.

sometimes i feel a tremendous amount of pressure to connect. christmas photos and my parents are hugging and smiling and my brother and his young wife are hugging and smiling and im on the side, smirking, pretending not to notice that we four have grown into five, that my grandmother is hooked up to a breathing machine and watching me from across the room, and all the lights are twinkling bright and flashing behind us, time passing and another year marked, another year we made it through, just us, behind the big gate, as separated and isolated and independent from the world that we can possibly be.

and this is the life i know. i know beauty and creating beauty and being beautiful, i know art gardening making everything i can with my own hands. i know how to love my family and trust them and depend on them. i know how to be horribly prideful, easily scarred i know how to hide from the world perfectly. but still hours pass and the years press into one another and sometimes i wonder what im waiting for and if all this waiting is truly purposeful. i imagine myself with a man that is terribly tall and strong, a man that reads nietzche and is ridiculously intelligent and capable, but never went to college. a man that knows how to handle the world, knows how to handle his business and never questions his capabilities, never wavers in his loyalties and upholds his own morality and sense of good. this is the only kind of man i will ever fall in love with.

sometimes i feel like i am bombarded with rotten things. rotten people with dirty yellow mouths that talk a tremendous amount noise and the louder they get the more ridiculous it is and the more i laugh until i cant anymore because it sort of hurts, all that time and all that youth wasted trying to ignore the rotten things and rotten people. i suppose the point is this: its never bothered me, not since i was small, that i am such a private person. it hasnt bothered me that people dont get me and that some people say nasty rotten things because, well, i dont know. i tell the truth. i never waver in my loyalties and i uphold a sense of my own morality and good. i handle my business and im not scared of anyone. no matter how small i am and no matter how great the fight. we either die, or we get old and die. all the noise in between makes no difference, its just other people figuring out how to waste time till there is nothing left to ruin, nothing else to think about.

so here's to a better year. here's to healthy body healthy mind, to doing more and taking less and helping the people you love and the people you dont know. here's to common good, better decisions, falling in love and being kinder, here's to calling grandparents, adopting animals and donating to st. jude. here's to traveling more, spending less, going to the library and never feeling guilty about anything. here's to not succumbing to pressure, not listening to the choir not thinking cruelty is cool and to being a success and to always doing exactly what you want.

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