ive been a dancer since i was three and a gymnast since about seven. these are only tiny parts of a whole span of days and hours and an entire set of other memories of firsts and lasts and all that, but despite the everything else, or even along with the everything else, the grace and movement of the body is a part of everything i do. breakups makeups the way girls can leave rooms, return to rooms, avoid rooms all together and the room is never the same. the way danielle rides her bike or how my mom pulls pans from the oven. how those boys roller skate together on sunday nights at soul skate and it seems so impossible the way they just float and pass through one another like ghosts.
i wake up at 5a everyday, even if i am still drunk on whiskey, i wake up and practice ballet. i wake up and drink black coffee and want to puke just from the standing, but even when i know that the day wants to be rotten, that the sky is grey and that during those few hours of sleep i have missed the most absurd messages and calls, despite all of that and any shape that the day wants to take, i think that hell, if i woke up and started the day alone and in my own way, if my body is still here and can still find its heart and my mind can still move it, then everything is fine. then nothing can touch me. i am a peacock. say what you want. our lives are a small thing getting smaller and we are lucky if we know anything to love or anyone who loves us. and it all seems like chance anyway to happen on anything good. even if you’re a rotten old thing, it is still your chance to happen on something good. good is rotten anyway. we are all awake for this. at least for the most part.
You're lucky that you were a dancer. I was always in baseball or soccer because I wanted to be just like the boys. Not much has changed over the years, I suppose. I went to a Hindu temple yesterday and there were thousands of peacock statues, I forgot what they said the significance was... because I was tired.
I like your last paragraph and how it rings true... I think we sometimes forget. It's like when we go on rants about the metaphysical and how reality can be lost in the surreal because our minds get clouded. I think for the first time, I'd like to think a little more realistically than I have in my past. It's called growing up and I see an immense difference from you and I, especially when one things about where we were last year and this year.
I back track sometimes but when it all comes down to it, I know that I'm on the right path to something.
It's like that dream I had with you... and we were on the bikes and we kept running and riding to something better. The ferris wheel has become so significant. It reminded me of Sputnik Sweetheart.
I'm glad you're taking care of yourself and you look healthy and awesome. Keep up the great work. I love you.
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