i have not slept for three days now, minus hour long naps here and there. when i wake i wake disappointed because though the dreams are tumultuous, the hands have hardly moved. the world is just crawling and frantic. right now i am completely submerged in Atwood's work, not as a reader (though i did reread her collection Morning in the Burned House at 4a this morning) but i am researching vision and voice for an article that my professor is working on.
i moonlight alot. i think my entire life is moonlighting and i absolutely hate when i am talking to someone and they coin a new term for what they are doing, as some grand stand, when the definition is always the same. i like my moonlighting more than anything though (as an assistant, as a seamstress, as a writer a poet a dog walker as a dancer), even though i keep hearing how smart i am, i feel very worried about my brain. like it is not going to live up to the perception. like i've been free wheeling and free thinking for far too long and i will not be able to put the chords back together and make the right sound. i am awful at standardized tests. really, a real dunce. i do not try in the fact that i do not study, but i do not study because i could never figure out how to approach it. maybe that is why my french is so clumsy, because my brain did not learn on those sounds and now, though the words look so perfect and lithe on the page, in my mouth they are marbles. maybe i dont know. maybe i should not say that.