the most beautiful fraud in the world.

feelings are so strange. i know that is the most ridiculous statement ever (it is like stating the world is in a constant state of flux and blah blah) but whenever i am feeling one way, nothing grey, just feeling one way. like specifically happy or you know specifically sad, i always forget what the other part of my heart used to feel. its like i have four rooms to run through and i am constantly closing the doors behind me. and sometimes, well, probably most of the time, i am running so fast i slam into a door i closed months or years ago and this stupid circle metaphor is one of those i know i know i know thoughts.


i used to think that was so profound when i was in college. that i believed in the circle and not the line and that the square was cool because that is where all the revolt happened anyway. but circles are for people that forget how they felt or do not like to deal with that part. and that is sort of scary to me. though, i like myself best when i got a heart of stone. that is not really true.


i like myself best when i am alone. no, i mean, i like myself best when i am doing something with someone that is doing something completely different, though completely relevant to her. like. like that one time when dani came over with her paints and kim came over with her hats and i was working on a dress. and we made things and drank beer. that was real nice.


my parents are pulling apart their house. their bedroom and my old bedroom, the pink one i had when i was small (the room i just repainted orange for my mom's closet) has been completely ripped to the bones. i really liked looking at the old wood frames. their house is like 80 years old and that old skeleton has some wear. when my parents were building that side of the house yrs and yrs ago, they were real poor and some of the eaves are from the incarnation catholic church down the street. my uncle was tearing down those buildings way back when and my parents needed things like eaves and nails and things. i like looking at those eves and the places where windows used to be. i think i like myself best when i am in those old walls. when i am in places that do not seem like the could ever be something else. not ever. and you just have to imagine the way it could be and then stack enough stones to get there.