Sunday, September 25, 2011

on flying dreams.

i have never had a flying dream. it is rare i have ever felt some part of weightlessness since i was very small. i have been working on submissions all morning, reading things i had written a while ago; i have been writing all morning and remembering how it felt to be small. how certain i was that everything was a ghost, everything was untrue, everything was coming for me. there was always something to pretend not to fear and to always protect what i could.

 i probably seem terribly high seriousness in all of this, but mostly, i think i worry to much about my conscience. i like to ride around on my bike and look at architecture. i like this more than most things, which is probably why i ride my bike so much. the other day i saw a house on a street over that seemed interesting, so i went to see it, but it was in a gated community, so i snuck through the gate. but i got caught. the awful woman who caught me acted like i was going to rob her house or something, just because i snuck through the gate,

 which made me think that maybe it is sort of strange to ride a bike around, looking at architecture. and i felt guilty for making this awful woman uncomfortable, but i really really hate gated communities anyway, but besides,

i have come close to a flying dream twice:

one. i had a dream i could jump very high. but every time i would fall back to the earth, weeks later, the world would get worse and worse, and i always had to keep coming back. i had this dream about a year ago. then

two. two nights ago i dreamt i had this very strange wire airplane. that, while standing on the ground, it could fit in the palm of my hand. but climb a ladder and i could climb aboard and lay across the wires, like sleeping in a day bed. so i would go out to the middle of a field somewhere, leaving everything to the earth except me and my airship. it would drift like a kite and i would sleep in the air and dream, but when it would be time to come back down to the world, i would never know where i was. and this led to some terrible things.

i cannot decide which i prefer. in the first i had a sense of personal preservation because i could always leave, in the second, i had to leave everything behind and rely on others to get me back home. 

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