terrible and beautiful.

last night my dreams sort of overwhelmed me. i dreamt of my parent's house, filled with the people i love. we were all talking and laughing, and my grandmother was there too. she was standing in the corner, dressed very beautifully in a purple sweater and purple suit set, she was wearing the pick lipstick she would always where when she got dressed up. but her hair was different-- it was thick and dark with tints of red, nothing like the blonde she always was.

my mother and i were singing and i was trying to remember this old captain beefheart lyric, and my grandma sang it, then she said, i've never been before, but at this moment in time, i am so jealous of you all.

and that was the end. i woke up with a mind in space. yesterday was the last day of september. last i saw, my dad was in a hospital bed at the pepin heart center, looking very healthy, very happy. i hugged my family and talked for a long while. 

but today is october. and i am sort of scared of this month; it has always been far more powerful than me. all of the very major things that have happened in my life, most terrible, but some very beautiful, (neither of which i will ever talk about directly) all happened in october. it is a month i never look at the photos from.