I told Tim this morning that I was tired, the kind of tired that could be cured if I could just sleep for four days without interruption. he laughed, but I wasn't joking. I think if there is anything I miss about being young and ridiculous, it is the fact that I never held myself accountable, not for anything. I just did things. woke up the next morning, did more things. met some people I liked, some I didn't, hung around them all anyway because I knew my life was somewhere ahead of me, and everything I was doing was just practice.
But now I'm in it; I know I'm in it. My bones hurt when it gets too cold, those old aches are new. My hands seem strange to me, so I look at other peoples' hands. Ballerinas on the 1940 Paris Opera stage, their hands are hooks. Olympic gymnasts 1959 USSR, their hands move too quickly, they're magicians' hands, they don't matter. It's their feet, slow moving and stiff, that give them away. Now I'm here, and everything outside of here seems funny to me, it seems strange. I'm realizing that there are people in my life from ten years ago. That ten years ago, I was someone else, on a road with all these other people.
I always thought that it was weird when I was growing up, my parents never talked about who they were before. But now I know. How do you explain it without sounding nostalgic? Even if you don't mean it? Even if you say, no no baby, everything's better now, as it is, even when you say it, even just having to say it, it doesn't sound true. it's one of those ideas that hangs above your head.
sometimes, those old stories come up, and it doesn't even seem like I'm talking about me. I think this is standard. I mean, I just read an interview with Macaulay Culkin, now 35, and he was talking about how, for a while, he referred to who he is as Mac and who everyone thinks he is/was (it gets messy here) as Macaulay Culkin. He said he had to stop thinking of himself in the third person, how hard dating is when you're always scanning the borders of a room, how it was making him nuts.
Aren't we all scanning the borders of rooms nowadays? Keeping our eyes on the doorways when we are in public places?
July has been a rough one.
So here it is, the list. Aside from turning myself into a science experiment, I've been reading a ridiculous quantity of biographies. And I read this amazing little novel this week, The Old Ballerina (Ellen Cooney) that had some of the most beautiful sentences I've ever read, and the whole thing was dedicated to Cynthia Ozick, which I couldn't get out of my head. It was published out of this little press in Minneapolis. It's the most unassuming book I've ever seen.
Though biographies, all biographies, feel really, terribly jaded. Even the one's that don't want to be (like Leslie Caron's) feel like a forced smile. And a lot of people like to write scandals days after the scandal-bearer dies. Some of these books felt like those Anais Nin and Jean Rhys novels, which sort of makes me feel like a peeping tom, standing between a mirror and window, under a spotlight.
Anyway,
High / Low Study of Dance and
Movement
1.
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2.
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3.
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4.
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