old year / new year

 

I mess up a lot. I have big time anxiety. I constantly make sure my perspective has balance and that it's true and that logic is not too far behind feelings. I'm one of those people who hope and work towards the best of times, but who are also always steeled and prepared for the worst. All this a bummer, I know, and it's definitely not who I've always been-- at least not what I've always lead with, and I probably still don't, but now it's a part of me when it wasn't before. That's what age does. I used to be way more chaotic, when it was just me and I wasn't responsible for anyone else, back when most everyone knew not to count on me and that I'd show up if I did. But being responsible for others changes all that. It makes you care in ways that keep changing and growing more immense. Is this what Salinger was writing about? Have I lost my innocence and now I'm a Catcher in the Rye? Maybe. Most likely. It's the new chasm between youth and not-youth that you don't see when you're on the youth side of things. I've probably spent too much of the last few years regretting the difference in who I was and who I am now. When I was running this morning, I was mulling all this over and realized that there is one thing that 2020 totally made the same though. 2020 made me really good at focusing on (and putting my care into) the things I can control, which seems to be one of those parts of life that kids are inherently good at. I definitely came to it from the angle of necessity instead of just not knowing any differently, but it's a kind of victory. So here's to the end of 2020. I'll be spending the evening drinking Lucky Irishmans with my beau after the babes are snug in their beds, listening to records and telling jokes and totally overwhelmed by all the love and good nature I get to experience everyday with these people I'm lucky enough to live with.