grey day

it is pretty dreary outside today; it always seems a little surreal when form and mood mirror one another so ideally. days like today i feel like wandering out into another world. like maybe the zoo, but the zoo completely empty, and all of the animals sleeping, deep in dream and sleepy movement. deep in animals races and animal hunts, deep in the woods chasing one another. 

one of the first conversations i had with ian, i told him that i hardly wanted anything in the world. i just wanted to be left alone with the few people in the world i love to be alone with, i wanted the rest of the world to have to send letters and wait at gates; i wanted the world to make long standing dates to come and visit me in the woods in a cottage. i wanted to be one of those women who had picnics and balls and hunting parties. i wanted to be one of those chaps in a red coats and riding pants, having a ball all day, being good for nothing except for the good of the pleasure of the small world behind the cottage gates. the world, the way it is, hurts me. it's too volatile too distracting. i want a garden a farm i want a mountain top in japan. i want mystic beauty i want the surreal parts i want the natural world as it is.