Friday, December 27, 2013

langston james snyder

 I have not written in my blog for a while, not because there hasn't been anything to say, but mostly because there has been so so much to say and as I am most likely to do, anything wonderful I prefer to keep it as a secret for a while. Also, I have come to find that no one really likes someone that is happy. When Tim and I eloped, someone told him that we would only be happy for, at most, the first six months, though truly, he said, only the first three. Tim never believes these kinds of things, but I think he likes them in the way that people like to press on bruises and pick scabs. There is a kind of pleasure than comes when you break through the surface of things. Most people, and most relationships, don't even attempt to break the skin. That is not some kind of pedestal or soap box rant, but in truth, I think most people fall into a point that is okay, and they just stay there. People also said that we were both going to get fat and ugly and complacent and blah blah blah and none of that happened either. If anything, Tim has only become more magnetic to me as the days go on. People don't want to hear that though. So on to the next:

after being married for three months, Tim and I decided to have a baby. A tiny little lion in my tummy. It took no time at all really, and I am pretty sure that the day we said it is the day it happened, and the day after my birthday, I was carrying little Langston in my belly.

We only told our immediate family and we went on about life like we always do. We played tennis, watched movies, went on weekend trips; we had fun, and I still worked two jobs, teaching at two schools. This was a little difficult because I was so sleepy in my first trimester and I quit coffee before I got pregnant, but I stayed the course. I woke up at 3 am and graded papers through the summer and fall semesters, and I tried very hard. I stayed patient and level and active. I wore heels, dressed up and did not tell anyone I was pregnant. But at about the twentieth week, I started to show, I suppose, and one of my classes through me a surprise baby shower on Halloween. 

It was absolutely the kindest gesture that has ever occurred in my life, and even more so because before that moment, I felt like I had to hide my pregnancy at work. I thought people would look at me differently (which definitely does happen), but I didn't want to be seen as incapable. This kind of gesture made me feel confident and extremely loved and it taught me a lot. So now Langston is almost thirty-one weeks in my belly.

Tim and I are happy and excited. I still work out, read, write and do all the things I did before Langston. He is growing, and he is healthy and kind to me. He is bigger than his months, and he is active. He responds to Tim's voice, and our kitten, Layla, gets jealous when Tim talks to Langston. I haven't been sick for one day; I've worked throughout the pregnancy, and my body hasn't changed so much. I feel confident, more beautiful, loved and centered than I ever have, and I hope that Langston can feel that kind of grace and happiness and all of the energy that surrounds him. Lately, Tim and I have been listening to records until 3a and talking and laughing like always. We laugh so much, and I hope that Langston inherently knows that kind of happiness, that balance; the magical quality that comes when being with the people most loved.