(law)less

today i go see the acupuncturist.

&my hair is now the same color as my eyebrows because i decided to go the natural-dark-blone hair color route. but if i hate it, it is going back to white, and i am never looking back


&it is getting long again. because i want it to look like this in a year:

growing up. ugh.

i think my birthday last week has totally flipped me out. or maybe it is everything else. i keep having those if i could go back ideas, and everyone knows that is not the right direction to look into.  

damn, i am listening to a lot of the smiths lately. this is not good.
it is probably a well timed thing that i am going on vacation next week to a place that one can only get to by boat-- there are no cars, no industry. beaches and houses. pretty lawless indeed.

last night i had this dream that i was living in a hotel with all these people i have known, some of which i still know. and everyone was pretty much doing these spectacular things, truly wonderful things, and i could not even remember where my room was, which was called the kaleidoscope room. or i kept forgetting my room key in someone else's room because i kept running into all of these people i used to know. and i was always wearing things that no one would ever want to be seen out in, you know, those clothes you wear at home (for me, it is ripped up 2(x)ist tee shirts that ive cut off the shoulder and very old green track shorts that ian has tried to get me to get rid of numerous times, but i always pull them back out of the garbage can). so yeah, back to the dream and the wonderful things:

one in particular-- my mom and i jumped out of a plane. i jumped for a different reason than she, or i jumped on accident, as i did not have a parachute, so my mom, in this red jumpsuit, looking very grand indeed, said, ah, no big deal. and she maneuvered like swayze in point break and was able to get me a chute, or change chutes with me, you know, out of the clear blue sky.

then i had one of those moments when i thought i had done something truly heroic. there was a helicopter that landed beside a crumbling structure and three girls and one dude made the jump, but this small asian girl did not, and was hanging off the edge. so the dude yelled, hurry up. so i did. to no applause, no thank you.  

rough cut.

then it was all the forgetting. and that growing old feeling where it seems like everyone else is growing old and getting more amazing and i am sinking into wet cement. and that's a terrible feeling.

but it sure beats all of the nightmares i've been having. 

december photolog (or wear it like you mean it experiment)

it is cold outside &every plant &little flower in the yard is cloaked in coarse white sheets to keep them warm. the world could look like this snow covered thing, through rose sunglasses or through that gauzy sheet. it seems that i only collect ghost things and still being young with such a thin skin, i feel today, especially today, between ballet and books and studying french, that my world is only going to grow as this looming and labyrinthine castle, stuffed with ghosts and white light, shrouded in gauzy cotton and flowers that blow to pieces, always, and with such urgency, that anything under the earth can feel the shift of gravity on its separate parts. since most of my winter clothes are somewhere in a little room surrounded by snow and heavy trees, like all things we fashion of the heart and for the function of facing the world, i have had to become slightly more creative than usual with the face i make to meet the day. despite the cold and despite any heavy weight we feel for the end of the year, the world will always be this light and beautiful thing. fashion is just the translation of that, like all things we form to connect to one another, fashion is just as much a part of the story as love and rooms and the cities we construct and move though to find each other. so i decided to do a daily december fashion photolog of the things i have here, while i wait for the parts i only dream about.

december i:

december ii:

december iii:

december iv:

december v:

december vi:

 

december vii: