tough as nails.

i wish i were leaving the country for a while, going somewhere and putting my ear to the ground for a while, something that is so different that it can shake me awake without even my realizing it, which would be far better than a conscious shift because then i cannot mold it or observe it or study it like i always do. i cannot run endless experiments and experiences and then when i end up somewhere, shrugging and shaking my head, i cannot tell myself i have built more character. i have tremendous character. if i study it, i can probably come to the conviction that character is all i have, but that counts for more than most things i guess. but this is not sad or one of those kickingthesandaround ideas. it is another one of those point at it and look at it things

and i think going through the end of something is a necessary experience for anyone. but i suppose seeing the end of an era the end of a time just forces you to focus and build a new time. and though for the past five (almost 6 years) i have worked in a place with all my best friends and laughed and danced and did it with that kind of style, i think this next part is something about me going away to teach english or work on a farm or something. and not really listen anymore when i tell someone i want to be a writer or i want to make clothes and they ask what i want to do to make money or what my realistic goals are, when really the most realistic goal i have is to cut all of the negative rotten stuck in a box people from my life. so today i am going into work (where yesterday a woman told me she wanted to spit in my eye and i told her she was a ridiculous person) with franny and zooey under my arm, a coffee and journal in my hand, my denim jacket on my shoulders, and motorcycle boots on my feet. dressed to kick the walls out. just like anyone i've ever looked up to in history. and if all else fails, i will just live on the lamb.