luv

i have not posted in a few weeks because it is the first of the year and for most, it is the time where one is supposed to let all open windows and open doors come about. but that is not really what happened to me so (except a few days ago when i ran down the highway screaming, "that's my puppy!" as 2 men were loading my dad's german  puppy into the back of their kia. i got her back.) but mostly that big long break is over and i sort of feel very spacey as i try to get back into the beat. i end up finding the rhythm for a few days but then fall back to some slow static dance, which is doing nothing for the sense of balance i attempt to maintain at all times.

today i do not have to go to the school, so mostly i will be planting seeds to start my garden for the spring season. going running and reading 1q84 (speaking of. i don't want to finish it. it is taking so long to get through because i do not want it to be over because i waited so long for it to come out and murakami does not publish this grand novels so often. of his entire body of work, which is immense, there is really only 3 novels that are detached from the other bodies, that maintain their own world. these are my favorite.) 

i keep having these strange dreams. last night it was about this older thai woman in a blue bikini that was walking into a business lunch with me and we were arm-in-arm and she was very very drunk. and i had the feeling that i was supposed to be responsible for her and i did just such a terrible job and right when she walked in, wearing that awful brazilian bikini, everyone knew it.

i keep having these same anxious dreams about my future i keep thinking about my future nonstop like if i make a decision in one direction i will cut it off in the other. i am going to apply to usf's phd program but i am also going to apply to all the schools i really want to go to. it is that whole IS THIS MY BEAUTIFUL CAR IS THIS MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE fear. that big box fear. i need to get out of my head and, unfortunately, film has not been doing that for me either. cinema just makes me long for wandering again. i have really only "settled down" meaning, i have truly only lived in the same place and not wandered the states for the past 6 months. and my legs just won't stop shaking.

which is dumb. right now my life is pretty amazing and the only thing that is letting me down is myself, which is where all this anxiety always comes from. i make myself anxious. my potential makes me anxious. lets talk about something else. 

like these shoes:

these are betsey johnson shoes that i have been dreaming about and wanting so so so so so so so so so so so so bad since i saw them.