little ghost

woke up at 4a again this morning for no truly good reason. i decided to drive to the gas station because i needed gas and figured it would be easier at 4a. i do this. i have these months on end when i cannot sleep more than 3h a night and mostly i am terribly productive, sometimes slightly spacy. ever since i was 19 i have been keeping these patterns. for the past six months or so i slept a lot. but now it is the 4a patterns and being out where all i seem to run into are night watchmen on their ways and partiers on their ways or sleepy eyed workers on their ways. they have reasons to be at these hours and mostly i just feel like a wanderer.

this is not to say that i dislike not sleeping. most of the time, i enjoy all of the dark hours. i write my best work when i am not sleeping and feel the healthiest when sleep holds the smallest parts of my days. karl lagerfeld hardly sleeps at all and he keeps it together in a terribly fine way.

my dad always says i like to know a lot about a lot of things and that i've always been this way. in most ways, i find this way of being on my side. it makes the separate, spatial parts of the world relatable. it makes it easier for me to point and name, to find distinctions and similiarities, to be exceedingly black and white about people to be very off and on (my dad also says i see no grey when it comes to dealing with people, but i do not feel that way, for me, most people in my life are all grey. all hazy. all background. all talking walls.).

lately i have been thinking a tremendous lot about people that probably do not think i think of them at all. people that probably would not care either way and i do not care enough to say, hey, i think about you because it does not matter beyond the thinking. there is no real world relevance or relation here, and i would never want there to be. i like my separate parts. i like to keep the world separate. it is only when it all comes crashing in that i do not feel like myself as part of the world anymore. it is too distinctive. too isolated. but it cannot be helped.